Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The Neverending Story... part 7

So its finally happened. I have had my last first day of school. I was so busy this summer I didn't even have time to worry needlessly about my classes. But don't worry, I'm catching up. I have all kinds of new stresses to think about.

It's going to be an interesting year indeed. In between breaking in brand new roommates, crazy new classes, and a calling that's actually more gently used, I have had the extraordinary pleasure of that minor issue called figuring out my life.

I've considered a mission. I've never really felt like that's where my immediate future lies. But I'm leaving my mind open to the possibility.

Get a second degree at BYU. In what? International cultures? As awesome as being a cultural consultant for the government sounds, I don't think it really fits with the lifestyle I want for myself in the long run. The only other thing that sounds interesting is the history of art and architecture (which we don't actually have here). Yeah. Thats marketable. The only thing I could do with that is be a curator at some museum... which all kidding aside actually sounds kind of fun.

I've thought about being done with school and going to work. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't think I feel ready to work in the field.

Law school. I'm not going to lie. Law school has been an idea in the back of my head since about the fifth grade. While on the one hand there are a lot of aspects of the field that appeal to me, such as the need to be able to see all sides of an issue and argue any of them effectively, I don't know if I want to have the personality I would need to excel in the courtroom. And again that whole "doesn't fit with my desired lifestyle."

I can be one of those people who is "working in Provo." Which, since I'm morally opposed to it isn't actually an option, but I thought I would mention it anyway for fairness' sake.

Finally is Grad school. Which would actually make this not my last first day. Really it seems like the only viable option. Sadly instead of giving me that "hah! I know what I'm doing!" feeling, it's more of a defeatist "well, I guess if that's the only choice..." I've been talking to a few professors about it. One recommended a masters in Interiors or Interior Architecture which I admit I liked quite a bit. Another professor made real world application suggestions; which I liked significantly less. I think my problem is that while I love the idea of studying something, or even doing something in theory, when it comes down to it I'm just plain scared. I'm afraid of teaching community college courses while getting my MFA. So many lesson plans. What would I even talk about? And even getting the MFA: so many classes that I could fail in. So many projects that would prove I'm not the absolute best at what I do. Lets be perfectly frank, I am completely aware that I neither am, nor need to be the best at what I do; but it would be nice to at least be able to succeed.

So then what if I begin to operate on the assumption of grad school attendance. After all, fear of failure isn't exactly a good enough reason to not do something. In fact, it's one of the very worst reasons. Then I have to begin to consider things like location, location, location. Also money and time. But I guess those are negligible. There are so many factors to explore that I almost don't even know where to start. I would love to go to school in New England. I would be immersed in the architecture I love. That would be rad. It would be expensive, but frankly everywhere is expensive. What's the difference between 80 and 100 thousand in debt? This is the question I ask myself. And besides, as we already discussed money is negligible... right?

Okay false. Especially since I have a hard time convincing myself that it's okay to invest all of this capital in a career that ultimately I don't really want in the long run.

Oh bah.

1 comment:

  1. I don't really have any words of wisdom for you. I was getting to the point you are in, and then I meet Robert. So I am no help except to say just trust in the Lord. He will help.

    I was wondering what your calling was? You haven't talked to me in a while. Call me when you get a chance.

    The real reason for the comment is I thought you might want to hear that I love you. You rock and you will do great no matter what you do. I don't think it is actually possible for you to fail at anything. So don't really worry about that.

    Love you. Josh still talks about you and asks where you are. Thought that might help brighten your day.