Monday, October 3, 2011

Marvin, the Paranoid Android*

I feel life I've been experiencing writer's block, artist's block, building blocks, and block parties for months now.

I used to have all kinds of viciously snarky or deliciously off-the-wall things to pontificate on to the point of exhaustion from a-top my soap-box of pointlessness.

I miss those days.

Lately I've been coming to the realization that I become bored easily.  I guess I shouldn't call it a realization, so much as I've stopped trying to be in denial about it.  The best thing about these little epiphanies is they give me the chance to analyze myself to-death.

I feel like once my brain solves a problem once, it programs some sort of default solution into the memory mainframe, so when the same problems come up over and over again, all I have to do is run a certain program and voila.  Problem solved.  Instant boredom.  Again.

Superficially, this isn't a big deal.  I could just give myself more to do.... or something like that.

But I think that these behaviors are actually symptoms of a much more involved issue, with far-reaching consequences.  I'm working at my dream job, and I'm bored out of my mind.  Every time I get a new project I experience a little jolt of excitement.  "This is it."  I think.  "This is the project that is going to stimulate my creative juices and require me to actually work for once."  And then disappointment settles in like smog over LA county as I realize that I just have to draw up the same cubicles.  Again.  The only challenge comes when my computer decides it doesn't want to work and I have to figure out why, or if my clients ask for something impossible.  But then it's just disheartening.  Because despite my best efforts, impossible things are just like they sound.  But that doesn't stop me from trying.

I need variety.  I need a challenge.  It's like my brain has to be in a state of constantly changing stimuli, or it just shuts off.

I've tried researching, reading, writing, the outdoors, watching movies, playing games, picking up hobbies.......... and nothing.

Sometimes I make simple activities incredibly elaborate and difficult to accomplish just to have something to do.

I'm like an addict.  Constantly searching for more and more stimulation to stave off the restlessness and boredom.

But as boredom sets in, so does laziness.  Unfortunately, although the boredom is typically localized to a certain area of my life, once laziness gets its foot in the door it tends to take over the whole house.  It's all so plebeian and simple.  Why even bother doing anything anymore?

And thus we see why I need to stay busy.  Or perhaps go back to school.  Or change careers.  Or actually maybe just have a social life again.

*Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  If you haven't read it, do yourself a favor and put it on your to-do list.

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